When it comes to answering their child’s questions on sensitive topics like death, divorce, sex, terminal illness and the like, parents often find themselves tongue-tied. But, it’s better to be clear than evasive and tell the child the truth in a manner he understands, says Shama Sheikh
The most difficult task a parent can ever face is perhaps talking to their children about topics that are tough to deal with as adults, but that need to be discussed with the children. There may be terminal illness and death in the family, a divorce, a terrorist attack in the city or on the news. Children are curious and pick up information from all sources, which makes it imperative for parents to volunteer clear information about a topic so that the child is properly informed and doesn’t have half-baked information which could end up terrifying him or her.
Here are a few steps to be taken when you want to talk with children about difficult topics.
- Plan what you will say and how you will approach the topic. Make notes if that’s more comfortable and google to see what advice parenting experts offer to tackle the topic at hand. Also, choose a time and place where the child and you are comfortable and relaxed and have little chance of distractions, so you can talk at length and have time for all the questions he or she might have.
- Start the conversation by finding out what the child knows or thinks about the topic in question. Using this as the base, build up your conversation around it, address anything that isn’t accurate in what your child believes and present the facts as simply as you can, without becoming judgemental or emotional about the topic.
- Use simple language and ensure that the discussion is suitable for your child’s level of understanding. Don’t go into too many details if your child is very young; ensure the information you share is appropriate to your child’s physical and emotional maturity.
- Encourage your child to ask questions and prompt your child to clarify any doubts they might have. If the topic is something where you can find age appropriate literature which might help the child, for instance, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc., do give the child reading material that could help.
- Come back to the conversation after a few weeks. By this time, the child would have processed the information you provided the first time around and may have additional questions or doubts. Do your best to clear them.
- Talk to each child individually about the subject. Each child needs a different kind of reassurance and approach.
- If you do not feel comfortable or equipped to discuss tough topics with your kid, ask another adult the child is comfortable with to do so. Do ensure that the child receives age-appropriate information from an adult he or she trusts.
How to tackle touchy topics
Sex
The key to having a good, frank discussion on sex with your child is to have that kind of an open relationship where your child can talk to you about anything. According to studies, kids who know their parents will listen to them openly are less likely to engage in high-risk sexual behaviour. Start as soon as the child can comprehend body parts. Use the name of the body part and not a cute term. Discuss, in age-appropriate ways, the function of the body part. Don’t overload the child with information; just keep it normal so the child can assimilate information over the years. Talk about the birds and the bees, take your cues from people around, if a classmate’s mother is pregnant talk about how a baby is growing in the lady’s stomach. Talk about love and caring and the family unit as well in the talks about sex and sexuality. This way the child will come to know that the two should be linked and that sex is a part of caring, loving relationships. As your child becomes a teenager, and begins dating, accept that there will be sexual exploration. Talk about contraception, hormones, safe sex and the need for protection because of diseases and pregnancy. Point out that sex is not always the only means to display affection.
Drugs and alcohol
When your child is a teen, you must talk to them about drugs and why they are dangerous. When television, the movies and their peers glamorise drugs and alcohol so much, you must present the facts to your child. The age at which children try drugs and alcohol is getting lower day by day. Therefore, it is never too early to start talking about the harm. Teach your kids that it is okay to say no, and that does not make them any less cool to their friends. Role-play situations which might arise where your child is offered alcohol or drugs at a party, at a friend’s house, at college, and walk them through how to handle it; offer them appropriate responses. Also, allow your child the confidence to make his or her own choices. Learning to say no confidently comes from this self-belief. Explain the medical issues caused by alcohol and drugs. Explain what their street names are, what they do to the body and even the worst situation they cause to older children who can assimilate it. Also, build self-esteem in your child. A child with high self-esteem will not need illegal substances to feel good in life. Repeat the message periodically. Answer all questions; if you don’t know the answer, tell the child you will find out and get back with the correct answer, and do so.
Death and terminal illnesses
This is a difficult topic, especially if you have someone in the family suffering from a terminal illness or a death. Helping children understand illness and death is difficult but necessary. Explain the physical aspects of the illness and of death, in as simple terms as possible. For terminal illness, explain the nature of the illness and state how the doctors are trying to battle it. If you are a spiritual or religious person, you might want to bring God into the conversation. You need to explain that the dead person has gone away but still continues to love them, especially if a dear grandparent or pet has died.
Divorce
With more divorces happening in modern times, children are vaguely aware of the concept that parents may not always stay together. Explain to your children that parents arguing does not mean they will get divorced and their parents will stay together. If you are getting a divorce from your spouse, talk to your children in simple terms, without any bitterness towards your spouse about the fact that you have decided to live apart but that does not change either parent’s love for them, and that they will continue to love the child and be there for the child.
