Broken Boyhood

We are a land that conditions our boys to embrace valour and power above all else, and shun tears and fears. It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that so many Indian men have known sex abuse as children, and learned to bury the wrenching pain and shame that those memories threaten to stoke. Rajashree Balaram speaks to the men who weep quietly for a childhood scarred and activists who are urging us to start listening to our boys.

Even if you have never known him, it is somehow easy to smile at Sujay Gopinathan* when you first meet him. The 28-year-old Kochi-based documentary film-maker has eyes that seem to always brim with laughter. He is likely to remind you of that mischievous classmate from school or that guy in college who was always surrounded by a circle of friends.
It is startling in some ways then when Sujay reveals he has been a victim of child abuse, and was struggling to hold his broken self-esteem together all through his teens. “I come from a small village in Kerala, where it was a common thing for pre-adolescent boys to learn kathakali,” he reminisces. “I was about 10 when I started. Initially, my kathakali teacher, whom I had known as a family friend, would touch me only to correct my posture and gestures. But later, I felt something was not quite right when he would find every opportunity to caress me without any reason.
I was often asked to stay back after class so he could pay special attention to my dance moves. At least, that’s what he told my parents—that I was exceptionally talented and could do a lot better with focussed attention. They didn’t find anything wrong with that…in fact, there was just a sense of gratitude.” Sujay continued to learn kathakali till he was 13 or so. By then, the harmless advances had progressed to fondling and oral sex. It was only when his teacher attempted to sodomise him that he came home and broke down.
“I felt a deep sense of shame about my body, and I could not divulge anything to my parents. They got very upset with me when I refused to go for classes. They still don’t know what happened. For a long time, I was confused about my own sexuality.” Sujay’s voice is threaded with pain and shame even now, and one cannot ignore the sheen of tears in his eyes though he tries hard to seem nonchalant.

Voiceless fears
Sujay and many others like him, who have learned to hide a painful past behind a cheerful smile represent all those countless men who you may know and who you would never imagine having suffered sexual abuse. Let’s face it—sexual abuse is not something anyone would find it easy to look back to. But a vast majority of men refuse to talk about their childhood experiences of abuse as they feel their masculinity was compromised during those incidents. According to Vidya Reddy, co-founder of Tulir, a Chennai-based organisation that works for prevention and healing of child sexual abuse, sexual abuse of boys is rampant in India and, if we have not heard much about it, it’s only because we cannot bring ourselves to believe that sexual abuse of boys is even possible. “We are largely focusing on sexual abuse of girls. Also, there is this sense of male entitlement that runs so deep in our society. People assume there must be something ‘weak’ or feminine about a boy if he has been abused. I still remember the case of a 10-year-old boy I’d met in 2006 who was sexually abused. His father refused to admit to the problem—“At least he cannot get pregnant,” was his reaction. The boy went on to battle with post-traumatic stress disorder all through his teens. “It is shocking that the father was more worried about the social consequences if he reported the crime or sought counselling for his son. He didn’t think much of the trauma his son was left to battle all alone.”

Boys do cry
If you think, sexual abuse of boys is essentially a Western problem, think again. In 2015, when Tulir conducted a study to check sexual abuse of children in Chennai schools, of the 874 boys who participated in the study, 48 per cent admitted to being sexually abused. The study also punched down the assumption that child sexual abuse is mostly confined to the poor, illiterate sections of the society. According to the numbers that surfaced, the prevalence of child sexual abuse was found to be proportionately higher in upper and middle-class families.
To confront the problem, one must first accept a few realities. Sexual abuse does not happen by accident—it is a pre-planned, layered process that involves several stages. The first step is ‘grooming’ when the abuser tries to win the child’s confidence with indulgence, warmth, affection and friendship. Abusers typically look out for kids who could be starving for attention. “It could be an uncle, grandfather, family friend, cousin who is always coming over with chocolates, trinkets, toys and has nice things to tell the child in an exceptionally gentle manner,” says Anupriya Das Singh, a psychologist and art-based therapy practitioner. “Once the abuser has won over the child’s trust, he would start touching the child but camouflage it as love. The whole process is worked out in carefully calibrated, manipulative tactics that could go on for months. The fondling and touching will become more audacious with each passing day, and the child gets used to it and assumes that as the abuser is known to his family, he wouldn’t be doing something wrong.”
The study by Tulir also suggests that a majority of the boys who were abused once may have been subjected to abuse by strangers, whereas those who were repeatedly abused may have been abused by people they were familiar with. Arman Syed*, a published author and columnist, wishes he had someone to talk to when he faced sexual abuse of various proportions over his childhood and teens. “It started when I was 10, with my Maths tutor in Lucknow, who would insist on opening the textbook in my lap,” Syed reveals. “He would keep his hands in that position throughout the class so the back of his hand always rested on my genitals. I hated it, but I could not tell my friends or family about it, and neither could I protest to him. Then there was my cook at home who’d ask me to unzip my pants and show him my penis. In college, there was a dominating classmate who once insisted I have a bath with him. I locked myself in my room after coming home and refused to step out for a few days. I felt dirty and ashamed, but I had no one to talk to. I would have been the butt of ridicule if I had.”

Silence of tears
Unfortunately, the experience of disclosure about sexual abuse is fraught with fear for many boys, arising out of myths, shame and silence that surround the issue. These fears may range from the fear of losing love, as the abuser and the child usually share a relationship; fear of being believed; fear of being blamed; and fear of further harm. (Of the total of 939 children who reported to being abused in the Tulir study, only 360 had ever sought help!) “Such apprehensions in the minds of our children regarding disclosure suggest that there has been a failure of the adult society and systems to be able to create safe and effective support structures whether in terms of family/community response or professional services for abused kids to disclose and have their fears addressed,” says Kochi-based psychiatrist C J John. “Typically, boys when they reach the age of sexual awareness also develop notions about masculinity, virility, machismo that prevent them from speaking about it. Younger boys, aged under 10, are more open to talking about sexual abuse. Irrespective of any of that, one needs to address sexual abuse of children without gender bias. There is also the possibility that in some cases, sexual abuse in boys could also lead to other dangerous consquences—that of creating a perpetrator of abuse. Of course, it’s not a rule that every abused victim is going to turn into an abuser tomorrow—that used to be the myth earlier. But we must strive to make victims unlearn the trauma of abuse, so they can re-learn appropriate behaviour. One of the greatest fears that all boys who are abused face is the fear of being labelled a homosexual.”
According to Dr John, psychological responses to abuse such as anxiety, denial, dissociation, self-mutilation, and suicidal ideation are common, and the repressed anger and turmoil may also show up as poor school performance. “There is also that much neglected issue of male peer sexual abuse, that is this form of older boys abusing the younger ones,” points out Dr John. “There are many cases where older boys use trickery, physical force, threats and emotional manipulation to elicit cooperation from the younger ones.

Society of ostriches?
All of these revelations only highlight the importance of sex education in our conservative society. As Reddy from Tulir puts it, “Someone I know said that when her niece asked her about the Bangalore molestation incident while watching it on TV, she just changed the channel because she didn’t know how to answer her questions. That is such an absurd response!”

Here are a few things to keep in mind to be on guard:
It is not too early to have that talk about ‘consent’ to your child. Children need to know that they have complete autonomy over their bodies. Typically, we expect a child to kiss every adult who kisses them, even if the child does not want to be hugged or have their cheeks pinched. We need to understand that kids are not naturally wired to understand a good touch from a bad one; it is our responsibility to explain it to them.
Do not—ever—shame a child about his nakedness. This can make them subconsciously link feelings of shame and discomfort to their own bodies, and this shame is tapped into by sexual predators.
It is normal to feel shock, disbelief, denial, self-blame, anger, confusion or doubt when a child tells you he was abused. The first step is to overcome those feelings and believe the child. “It takes a lot of courage for a child to talk about abuse,” says Anupriya Das. “Also, children rarely make up stories of sexual abuse. A lot, therefore, depends on how you respond and react. If you react angrily, the child may feel you are angry with him. Remaining calm will help the child to feel normal.”
Teach your child to say No when someone they know and care about does something that makes them uncomfortable. Set and respect family boundaries.
Teach children to use the proper names for body parts. Tell them that secrets about touching are not okay. Children need to know that people they know are capable of doing hurtful things.
Encourage a child’s opinion. When they see you respecting their point of view, they feel more confident about sharing their concerns with you.