Managing the relationship between your significant other and your best friend can be a major challenge if the two don’t get along. Priya Chaphekar helps you salvage the situation.
In his biography An Unsuitable Boy, filmmaker Karan Johar has opened up about his fall-out with 25-year-long friend Kajol after her husband Ajay Devgn’sShivaay and Karan’s Ae Dil Hai Mushkil clashed at the box-office.The matter blew overafter an angry Ajay accused Karan of bribing self-proclaimed film critic Kamaal R Khan for tweeting bad reviews about his film. While a clash at the box office is a much larger one, we all encounter such situations in our daily life.
Picture this: You meet your soulmate and you’ve finally found your unicorns and rainbows. Things are going swimmingly till you introduce your beloved to your best friend, and boom – you realise neither of them like each other. Your picture perfect bubble of happiness bursts and you’re torn between two of the most important people in your life.
How do you handle this tricky scenario–Do you make a second attempt to bring the two together, do you break up with your friend or do you let things work themselves out?
What’s the problem?
Talk to your partner and understand the real reason why he doesn’t like your friend. Is it because he doesn’t like the way your friend treats you? Is it because he’s insecure? Or is he just trying to be a control freak? “To fix the puzzle, it’s important to know what the issues are. If your spouse is suspicious, you need to decipher the reason behind his paranoia. It could be that your best friend influencing you in a negative manner or maybe your partner is unwilling to share his space and demands undivided attention all the time,” says psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria. If your husband is suggesting that your best friend isn’t good company, understand why he thinks so. He may be right. Shares 28-year-old MBA student Reema Seth, “My husband always considered my BFF to be a fair-weather friend. Initially, I rebuked him for being jealous of our friendship, but eventually I realised that he wasn’t completely wrong. My BFF not only treated me like a doormat, but also used me as an alibi to cheat on his girlfriend.”
You’re mine, only mine
30-year-old PR professional Sunita Shetty had a big group of friends who she hung out with all the time, till she got married. “It’s all right to not like one friend, but my now ex-husband started having issues with all my friends. Every time I’d tell him I was going out with my friends, he’d convince me to ditch them and go out with him instead; and I’d happily do that, since I was so blindly in love with him. It was only after he started scanning my phone bills that suddenly hit me what I’d got myself into,” she recalls.
Even if your husband is not too fond of your best friend or set of friends, he cannot seclude you completely. There’s always a mature way out. “In the Indian setup many women are torn between their best friend and their partner. Once married, they’re bound to break away from their best friend, especially if he’s a guy. That’s probably because they fear that society might perceive them in a bad light. However, we as psychologists don’t always encourage that. Your friends are as important as your partner,” insists clinical psychologist and author Dr Seema Hingorrany.
Find common ground
Unless the situation has gone really sour, think of ways to bring your spouse and your bestie together –take them out for an action flick or a trek. Nevertheless, make sure you don’t push things if they’re still not working out. Not everyone is meant to be friends, and that’s okay. “It’s perfectly fine for two people to not be fond of each other. Your husband doesn’t have to like your best friend, but it’s important that he respects the relationship the two of you share,” says psychiatrist and cognitive therapist Dr ShefaliBatra. “You may be living, sleeping, eating, vacationing and sharing bank accounts with your spouse, but he can’t be your only friend. Spending an entire life with him on a secluded island might seem romantic, but it’s impossible to live a life like that.” She highlights a recent case wherein the wife was dancing with her best friend and her husband blamed her for looking “too happy dancing”. “In this particular case, the husband was feeling miserable not because his wife was having a good time, but she was having a good time without him. If your husband asks you to make a choice between him and your best friend, it’s probably time to sign up for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT),” she advises.
Acceptance is key
If you’re certain that your husband and best friend will never be close, the onus to strike a mutual understanding between the two is on you. Keep your relationships separate and be honest about your feelings. Meeting your BFF behind your husband’s back is only going to jeopardise your marriage. Shares 35-year-old beauty blogger Kanishka Ramchandani, “My husband has always been cordial towards my friends. But he never regards them as his friends and there is a level of formality between them. I have an eclectic mix of closely-knit friends and my best buddies are quite different from me. There are times when my husband disapproves some of the things that my best friends do. I have learnt to accept my husband and my best friends as completely different aspects of my life–I love them both and both are indispensable. Of course, I don’t like it when he gets all judgmental about my friends, but I have stopped justifying them to him now. They are what they are and they mean a lot to me. If my husband doesn't get it, so be it!”
Whatever said and done, every relationship is subjective and it is only you who can figure out what works best. Maybe your husband had preconceived notions about your best friend, maybe the place wasn’t right, or maybe the two are inherently different people. Whatever the case, remember that time certainly heals all.
