In today’s era of speed dating and hook-ups, the shelf life of relationships is diminishing and commitment is becoming a dated concept. Is it fear of commitment that our generation is battling? Akanksha Narang investigates.
Someone wise had said, “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” Indeed it is true! We have a demanding social life, a thriving career and travel plans for every season—our plate is not full, it is rather congested. Yet, there are nights when loneliness hits and what we need and end up seeking are two different things. Why are we so afraid of accepting love? Why do we instead manage with an ephemeral feeling of intimacy?
While we were growing up, dating was not always like this. It used to be about love, commitment and getting to know each other. Dating was about crossing oceans while today, we are afraid even to jump puddles for them. We grew to learn and love technology, and swiping left and right to get matched with multiple options. Do we know monogamy any longer? The way our generation perceives relationships is alarming. “Friends with benefits” and “open relationships” are newfound concepts that scream the need for reengineering our discernment. If you don’t realise this yet, then it because you are part of the same date game and your vantage point doesn’t allow a wholesome view. Let’s analyse the reasons.
WHAT IS FEAR OF COMMITMENT?
For some people, relationships are as comfortable as an old shoe. It comes naturally to them, like breathing. However, for a lot more, it is a daunting thought.In fact, it doesn’t just seem like a tough task but nearly impossible for the difficult is done at once but the impossible takes a little longer. Such people are known to suffer from “commitment phobia.” People who have fear of commitment, do not tend to stay in relationships longer, that is if they do end up in one in the first place. Devankita, 26, Communication Designer has rather been on the receiving end. She expresses, “We met at a party of a common friend. He is a warm person, the kind that keeps a crowd entertained with a subdued kind of humour. Conversations were easy for us, and we immediately clicked. We dated for over two years, but I don’t know if he was committed enough. I hoped against hope that he would eventually come around to it, and several times he did, almost, and immediately swam back to safety zone. My feelings were intense and the relationship I shared with him became a two-edged sword for me. And that was the end of it all. He didn’t take it well though.”
Would you call this an isolated incident? This is an experience many people in our generation can relate to. It is a soul-shattering feeling and it takes time to heal the wounds. But do we become a“jar of hearts” collector too? “Heartbreak can have a lasting effect on a person; sometimes scarring them for life. It also causes them to be guarded in their future relationships and occasionally makes it difficult for them to trust anyone completely. It is not necessarily a vicious cycle as the impact of a particular experience also depends on one’s personality, coping style, ability to accept change and their experience in the next relationship,” says Dr Kedar Tilwe, Consultant Psychiatrist, Department of Mental Health and Behavioral Sciences, Hiranandani Hospital, Vashi, Navi Mumbai.
WHAT MAKES YOU SCARED TO COMMIT?
It is not that people with a commitment phobia are cold-hearted and emotionless. They in fact long for an emotional connection with another person the most, but their overwhelming anxiety prevents them for going for it. What is the reason then, behind the tempered glass walls that we live with? Dr Bindu Chaddha, Psychologist at Apollo Hospitals, Navi Mumbai, states what causes relationship anxieties, “Anxiety in the area of relationship in today’s generation can be due to ‘the fear of a bad end’ and realising after a period of time that they are ‘not with the right person’ at that point of time, which may or may not be completely true.When one is not confident enough, there is a feeling of inferiority which makes one possessive and insecure. The other partner is threatened by the behaviour thereon which leads to differences and to an unpleasant end, so one sums up that the choice was wrong.”
Past is difficult to do away with. It leeches on to your present and if uncontrolled, affects all your personal relationships. “Learning process starts as early as conception of the child and by the age of six, one has learnt whatever one needs for the life time. A blue print is made. Rest of the life is application and experiential learning,” says Dr Chaddha. Also, children from broken families tend to fear getting into a similar scenario themselves. “Past experiences and family dynamics do play a major role. If you have witnessed domestic violence in the family you are likely to have insecurities, fears and anxieties in your current relationship,” articulates Gauri Raut, Psychologist, Dr L H Hiranandani Hospital, Powai, Mumbai.
Dr Kedar Tilwe credits it to the flipside of online dating, “Dating apps have caused a paradigm shift in the way people approach a relationship. It has made dating more acceptable and people more assessable. It has, however, given a rise to a tendency to search for the perfect profile rather than the right person. With instant hook-ups and break-ups the new norm, lesser amount of patience, understanding and effort is put into preserving a relationship.”
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
It is not a piece of cake and involves real efforts to get rid of the fear of relationships. The aim should be to tackle your own issues, and stop the blame game. Dr Bindu Chaddha advises to start early, “Emotional wellbeing should be given more importance. Awareness programmes on appreciating self and others, handling difficult and strong emotions in a healthy way should be a part of schooling. When children learn to handle self and others at an early age, it will help them to be better equipped to handle the future situations, people and relationships. They have to understand that human beings are supposed to be social with superior intelligence. Facing challenges, patience, interdependence, making adjustments, commitments and responsibility are not difficult things.
Dr Kersi Chavda, a Psychiatrist from Hinduja Healthcare, Khar, Mumbai, believes that you need catharsis and cleansing of your own issues to be able to happily commit to someone. “Most people start feeling inadequate themselves after a bad experience. To avoid being vulnerable again, they shun relationships completely. However, to be able to achieve a long lasting, blissful connection, you need to accept the fact that one bad experience doesn’t mean you will again go through a similar scenario. You need to learn to be vulnerable and love again, unconditionally.”
And while your freedom is precious to you, Dr Chavda believes you need not sacrifice it for love. “We have certain goals in life, be it financial security, position and power or simply to travel the world. A lot of people feel committing to one person can risk the completion of such goals and hence the ditch serious relationships. However, it is important to find someone who wants similar things from life, and doesn’t hamper your growth, rather expedites it.”
