Talk your way to a better sex life

Getting down and dirty in bed, or verbalising about sex is ok, so long as your partner doesn’t think you’re a pervert. Choose your words with care or just enjoy the ultimate pleasure of silent lovemaking, advises

sex and words are an explosive combo. Words are powerful—whether in the boardroom or in the bedroom. Sex is greatly influenced by the ability to communicate and is crucial for a healthy relationship.


Many women find ‘talk’ a potent turn-on. To them, talking and feeling loved are more important than sex. An intellectual conversation can be stimulating for a woman. Good conversation during evening walks or while you are relaxing with your partner can be a great aphrodisiac. Affectionate and caring words enhance sexual sharing.

What the guy can do: A guy should tell his partner how much he loves her and whisper her name. This reassures her that he is with her, mentally, during those intimate moments.

An American study revealed: Women who communicated their sexual needs to their partner, had sex on an average of 8.2 times a month—significantly more often than women who did not talk. The talkers were also more likely to experience an orgasm and enjoy sex.


Often, one of the partners holds back sex to express hurt, anger or pride, indicating that there are unresolved emotional issues in the relationship. It’s common in couples who don’t communicate with each other, resulting in the accumulation of emotions and emotional distancing. Such couples need counselling to demolish the invisible wall and establish emotional intimacy. Then, sex follows naturally.


Talking on sexual issues is one of the hardest challenges faced by many couples. Engaging in sex blindly, believing you know what your partner wants, based on pornographic viewing or reading, can work against you. This invariably results in unpleasant and clumsy sex.

Sexy questions to ask: Ask your loved one questions like, “What would you like me to do?”, “Are you comfortable?”, “Does this feel pleasurable?”, “What can I do to make it better for you?”, “Is there anything in particular that you enjoy more or something you do not enjoy at all?”

Relationship barometer: If you are uncomfortable asking such questions, then maybe you are not at a point in the relationship where you should explore sex at all.

What men can avoid: Don’t presume and pretend to know what your partner likes and wants. While young women may not know what exactly they want during the early days of their sex life, they figure out very soon, what they really want and what they absolutely do not enjoy. They may participate in these
activities mechanically thinking they ‘should’ be enjoying what their spouse is doing. Men think that they are expected to know what to do and that women expect them to know it all. The truth is that neither of them knows it all and ‘communication’ is the only way to explore it.

Why you should talk: It’s important that couples talk to each other openly about everything that matters to them, because communication is the lifeline of a healthy relationship.
- It revitalises your sexual relationship, too.
- Lack of it can make or break a marriage.
- The balance between partners’ sexual needs and priorities come only with communication.
- It helps to define for you and your partner what your complaints and pleasures are.
- It leads to enjoyable experimentation and uninhibited sex, where specific requests can be made.
- It strengthens love, leads to greater trust and you can ask each other questions openly and answer honestly.


It’s important to know how to successfully integrate sex talk into your sex play. Content is king: The first is the content, which makes or breaks any sex talk session. What you say is supposed to turn your partner on and not make her/him cringe or burst into laughter.

The tone sets the mood: The second aspect is the delivery. Your tone, volume, facial expressions and
body language convey everything.

How to say it all: To introduce something new into lovemaking, such as talking sexy/dirty, test the waters in casual conversations. Your partner may flatly refuse to entertain the idea, in which case, dump it, as any further attempts may be a turn-off.


The male partner shouldn’t talk about other women: Talk about other women and your partner will feel insecure. Any insecurity during lovemaking is a big turn-off. Rarely, it may turn a woman on to know that other women want you. To be safe, steer clear of the topic unless she wants you to broach it.

Don't mention family: References to his family or yours are strictly out of bounds. Discussions about in-laws while you make love will have the partner jump out of bed or start a fight. Women don’t like the mention of their super-sexy younger or elder sister; that will make them pull the plug on the act of lovemaking.

Don't use clinical terms: Clinical terms can sweep the sexiness out of any passionate moment. A man calling his manhood an ‘erect penis’ kills the moment with images of high school sex education class. This applies to all parts of the anatomy, with the possible exception of the term ‘breasts’.

Special tip: Keep in mind that some women can feel quite self-conscious when a man comments on their body during intimacy.

Don’t give a running commentary: Though simply relaying what you are doing at the time and how good it feels is a great start, don’t go on and on about it. It can be a huge dampener. Just say: “This drives me crazy”, “Your xxxx feels so good” or “I love how my xxxx feels when you do that.” Such love talk helps couples learn what gives them a high.

Don’t be a broken record: Don’t get monotonous and predictable. Your partner will get mighty bored. Use fresh lines, new terms of endearment. Once both of you get comfortable and confident, incorporate some speech-centred role-playing into your lovemaking.

Don’t laugh at the wrong things: Talking dirty can often be hilarious and laughing can be unintentional and involuntary. This may hurt your partner. Tell your partner that you are afraid that
s/he will laugh at you. This leads to greater understanding and the couple can tell each other what they like and what they don’t.
Don’t be in a hurry to give or receive feedback: It can be tough to discuss how well you are doing while in the act. So, save the analysis for later. If your partner does not like something and you clearly do, s/he wouldn’t want to embarrass you. Discuss sex when you are more relaxed during non-sexual moments of togetherness. Talk about the parts/actions you both liked, or if either of you has stopped liking them at some point. Keep the discussion lighthearted and fun. When sex talk is free and frank, it can have longer-lasting benefits than just making sex more exciting. It can create greater chemistry, energise your relationship for a lifetime and make love last forever!

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