our Indian society still expects a married couple to have kids at some point. But deciding whether or not to have children can be a daunting task. Priya Chaphekar presents the pros and cons of parenting in the modern world.
The expectations of the society are neverending. When you’re in school, it judges you on the basis of your marks, in college, it frowns upon the choice of your subject and if you happen to be an independent unmarried woman in her late 20s, it pegs you as a woman of questionable character; and so you get married. Once that happens, it wants you to have a baby, and then another one to keep the previous one company. While narrating her obnoxious experience with her in-laws, Preeti Kumar, a Mumbai-based salon owner, says, “After our first anniversary celebration, all the ladies in the family cornered me in the bedroom and started asking me all sorts of personal questions about making a baby. But the one that took the cake was, “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
All across the world, people consider it their birthright to interrogate newly married couples about family planning. A year ago, Emily Bingham, a freelance writer based in Michigan, won widespread praise for a lengthy Facebook post that urged people to stop asking reproductive-aged women questions about their baby plans. “You don’t know who is struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage or dealing with health issues. You don’t know who is having relationship problems or is under a lot of stress or the timing just isn’t right… You don’t know how your seemingly innocent question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration…,” she wrote. Now that’s something every 30-something woman wants to throw in the face of the stickybeaks.
The modern Indian perspective
While most married women do end up having kids, many don’t want to add more human beings to the equation. And this isn’t necessarily a selfish thought. Shares 32-year-old writer Debolina Mukherjee, “I was a complete scatter head in my 20s. My 30s are a little more sorted, and I want to make the most of this time. I want to travel to bounce from one place to the other, make memories, meet new people and write books. I’d rather make a legacy with my words than with producing children.” Debolina’s husband, an investment banker, seconds her opinion. “My job’s quite boring, but thanks to my wife, my weekends are brimming with new experiences. I think we both are enough for each other,” he says.
Having a child hasn’t stopped 28-year-old Nupur Pradhan travel blogger from embarking on her escapades, but she does feel that it’s always the mother who’s expected to take care of the baby. “All said and done, the father’s involvement in raising a child is quite limited, not to forget the societal pressure. Before you plan to have a baby, it’s important to be financially, physically and emotionally prepared —financially, because babies are expensive. Baby-friendly destinations can drill a hole in your pocket, and so can their grade I fees; physically, to encounter at least three months of sleepless nights, and emotionally, to internalise the changes. Secondly, a good support system is crucial. I know well-qualified women who have been forced to quit a well-paid job and stay home to take care of the baby,” she says.
Old and new
Try telling your mother or your mother-in-law that you don’t feel like having a kid, and witness them deliver a sermon on how a woman’s life is incomplete till she becomes a mother. But 55-year-old teacher Reema Menon sees things in a different light. “It was much easier to raise a child in the ’90s. Things were much cheaper, technology was less advanced and the surroundings were safer. Today, a four-year-old child knows how to pout and take a selfie and ten-year-olds are throwing pool parties on their birthday. With unlimited exposure to social media, parents are forced to keep a constant eye on their children so they don’t go on the wrong path. If tomorrow, my daughter tells me that she’s unprepared to handle such situations and instead wants to focus on her career and work with an NGO or an animal welfare centre, I’d be equally proud of her,” she shares.
But what do you do in case of an unplanned pregnancy? Do you keep it, or terminate it? Twenty eight-year-old physiotherapist Kashmira Patkar speaks about her experience. “Just like other couples, we’d planned to have a baby, but I got pregnant a year before and things went haywire. We were neither mentally nor financially prepared for this, but we still decided to go ahead instead of overthinking the situation. However, I couldn’t have done this without my husband’s support. From charting out a baby budget to changing diapers, we worked as a team, and I think that’s what really counts,” she says.
Make arrangements
Whether it is an arranged or a love marriage, experts suggest you gain clarity beforehand. “In earlier times, people got engaged, married and had kids—in that order. But today’s generation wants to think through before making decisions. They’re more concerned about their surroundings than their family name. I’ve seen smart and intelligent people who don’t want to have kids, but want to do something to make the world a better place, I’ve seen individuals who feel ill-equipped to bring up a child and I’ve seen couples in which one partner wants a baby and the other doesn’t. But when it comes to coming to a conclusion, it needs to be a mutual one. It’s better to discuss these things before you get married than to have differences later,” explains Dr Anjali Chhabria, psychiatrist and founder of Mindtemple.
According to 28-year-old Neha Katkar, a senior designer for a digital marketing company, it’s important to at least know if the boy or girl is open to the idea of having kids in an arranged marriage setup. “While these decisions are speckled with ifs and buts, you should at least know if the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with loves kids or finds them annoying. When I know that my partner is not totally averse to making babies, it also highlights an aspect of his personality—that he’s open to experiencing the new, unpredictable things that life has to offer,” she points out.
The truth as we know it
Motherhood is the most selfless job you’re ever going to have to do. Apart from the biological and financial aspects, it’ll require you to give up on those hi-teas with your girl gang, adjust your regimen and most importantly, sacrifice your ‘me’ time. Yes, it’s difficult, but not impossible if you have an understanding partner and a good support system. And if you still think you’re not ready now or never ever, it’s certainly not the end of the world. Go with the flow and let life take its course, we suggest.
5 things to know before having a baby
• Make your expectations clear well in advance to avoid new-mom meltdowns.
• Having a baby will need you to compromise on the family vacations, expensive shoes, and lavish gifts. Are you prepared for that?
• Babies neither come cheap, nor with a manual. From child-care diapers to nursery furnishings and vaccinations, you’re going to have to figure out everything on your own.
• If your relationship is rocky, seek a relationship counsellor. Having a baby when you’re on the brink of a break-up is going to make things worse.
• Once you know you’re ready, babysit your friends’ children while they go out so you get a hands-on experience of spending time with children and learn important lessons about parenthood.
