Blow Hot, Cold

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a man who once pursued you vanished into thin air as soon as you began reciprocating? Aruna Rathod finds out why some men (and women) run away from getting emotionally attached.

Mita Verma, 27, single and introvert, was invited for a sit-down office party. The party was hosted in celebration of the successful completion of a project. At the get-together, Mita found herself seated next to George Kurian, the team leader. George had spoken to Mita on a couple of occasions, but it was strictly about work. At the party, however, he began showing keen interest in her and his constant attention made her feel special. What began with a formal conversation evolved into an informal chat around her likes and dislikes. Though hesitatingly at first, Mita found herself opening up to her otherwise distant colleague and was soon happy to have struck a chord with him. One thing led to another, and soon they were dating each other, even getting intimate on a couple of occasions. If the relationship was progressing too soon, Mita didn’t notice it, for she was on cloud nine.
However, the skies began turning grey a couple of weeks later, and she began noticing a change in George’s behaviour. He started avoiding her, responding to her messages either late or not at all. “One day, I found out that he was transferred to another branch of the company,” says Mita. “The already scarce conversations from him completely stopped, and I was left completely confused about what had gone wrong here. For me, it was not only an intimate relationship but also a friendship. All of it simply came to an abrupt end.”

Too close for comfort
Mita’s is merely one of the many cases of unexplained and abrupt heartbreaks. What came of it for Mita were self-doubts, self-torture and the accompanying emotional trauma, with the late realisation that what had seemed like a deep bond to her was merely a casual fling for her lover.
“One of the reasons for a person to suddenly become distant could be his ‘lack of commitment’,” explains Dr Shalini Anant, a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. “While one of the two parties looks at the relationship as a long-term commitment, the other may be simply looking for the charms of a temporary or physical connection. And, obviously, the partner who gets into the relationship expecting more is always the one who gets hurt or faces deep disappointment. That being said, it is not only men, but women too who develop cold feet and ‘vanish’.”

The explorers
Relationship experts believe that while some individuals even develop an aversion towards the opposite partner, once their sexual appetite is satiated, they lose interest soon after the conquest, which is something that may have happened in the case of George too.
“And that could happen for many reasons. Firstly, there could be a fear of entrapment. Secondly, they believe the opportunities outside are unlimited and want to explore. Lastly, the person may have already ‘found’ another partner,” states Dr Siladitya Ray, a Kolkata-based relationship coach. Another aspect that Dr Ray believes adds to the intimacy and commitment issues in both men and women is the so-called modern age with its consumer culture and an undefined sense of open-mindedness. “As people, we may have become extremely self-centric and hedonistic; it could be something to do with the radical social transformations we have undergone in the last few decades,” he says. “So a lot of men and women just want to lead life on their own terms and have fun.
As a result, modern relationships lack seriousness and are devoid of a strong foundation.”

Cold and conned
Interestingly, the ‘turning cold’ phenomenon is applicable to people all age groups. And as in the case below, sometimes, the cause may not be sex but merely the fear of emotional commitment.
When Anita Nair, 47, a single woman, met a 55-year-old widower at a house party, she remembers the two of them hitting off immediately. “We exchanged messages and he accepted my invitation for dinner at my place, where my parents live too,” Anita tells us. “The dinner went off well, my parents liked him a lot and we all had a good time. But the next day onwards, he started giving me the cold shoulder. I tried calling him a couple of times and sent him flowers on his birthday, but he never even acknowledged the gift.”
Anita still wonders what had gone wrong, for she claims that all that she had hoped from him was companionship. “While Anita was looking for a partner, her friend clearly wasn’t,” chips in Dr Anant. “The one who is disappointed may have his/her own belief system and misread the signals. While it is not wrong to have a belief system, one needs to understand that the old-fashioned approach to relationships has undergone a change. People no longer get close only when they seek long-term arrangements. Disappointment sets in when the frequencies and goals of the two people involved mismatch.”

Reading it wrong
In today’s fast-paced world, where social media is a large part of people’s life, signals can be misread. To avoid the heartache, it is advisable to make things clear right from the beginning. “Whatever a person wants from a relationship—whether long-term or not—should be expressed well from the very start,” advises Dr Anant.
“It is natural that neither partner correctly assumes what the other person is in for; moreover, it’s always good to be clear.”
However, Dr Ray has a different take.
He suggests waiting and watching. “Getting attracted to someone is only but natural,” he says. “But be warned about getting emotionally or physically involved with anyone in a short time span. Wait and watch from the outset, and make your move based on what you see and not what you feel, about the person.”
“But in case a relationship does end, leaving you heartbroken, ask yourself if you want that kind of a person in your life,” counsels Dr Anant. “And in circumstances where you find yourself abandoned, ask yourself if you are ready to chase someone all your life, feeling like a beggar in the relationship. At such times, it’s best to nurse your wounds, may be even confront the person, and then move on in life. The sooner you understand that the person is not into the relationship, the better it will be for you. Understand that you deserve much better in life and you’re worth much more.”

• (Some names have been changed to protect identity.)