Laidback parents, happier kids?

Welcome to the world of progressive parenting, where it is all about being laidback. Rachna Virdi
got curious and decided to ask around if this trend might be a case of sparing the rod and spoiling
the child.

Move over traditional and conservative parenting, for here is a new brigade of ‘cool and friendly’ parents who are slowly loosening their reins on kids. Control freaks no more, these parents do not mind giving in to their kids’ favourite food demands, are not very strict about their grades at school and are even looking forward to them having sleepovers or pyjama parties with their friends. These parents also belong to the breed that seem to want to spend more time with their young ones, comprehend their kids’ issues, and understand and accept their teenage demands. If all that sounds familiar, you are probably one of them.
But how different is laidback parenting from conventional or traditional parenting? We can’t help but ask around.

Getting up close and personal

We first get to asking Kiran Manral, who has recently launched her book Karmic Kids: The Story of Parenting Nobody Told You. “Laidback parenting is exactly what it claims to be—being laidback about parenting and not getting too worked up about things,” says the author, who is also a mum to a school-going tween. “Honestly, though, I do not know whether I should call myself laidback or plain lazy.”
Priya K., another parent with two kids, aged 15 and 8, insists that relaxed and laidback is perhaps the only way for parents to be these days. “As parents, we have to be patient and need to accept, understand and guide our kids, no matter how challenging it is for us,” she explains. Even as we try to assimilate her statement, she adds, “Though kids today have more opportunities unlike those of us from the earlier generation, the stress and challenges they face in life already are much more.”

The new gen Rising

Understandably, every parent has a different definition of laidback parenting, which may not always border around discipline and behaviour. According to Kala V., a senior media consultant and mother of a college-going boy, laidback parenting is about giving the current generation’s highly independent and confident children their space while allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them. “I believe this is an age where parents would be better off being approachable and supportive than pushing children into the defensive. Of course, as parents, we need to constantly watch them to ensure they are on the right track,” cautions Kala, who calls herself, well, a combination parent. “I am strict when I need to be, but laidback enough to give my teenager space when he needs it. Nevertheless, I will not allow him to compromise on ethics, values and the basic respect and regard for others. Yet I do not dictate to him all the time.”
Kiran believes that parents juggle with what is important to them personally. So despite her laidback approach to parenting, Kiran has her lines drawn around the subject. “I have some basic rules with regard to discipline, behaviour, studying and eating, and my child has to adhere to them. But I don’t stress about other things.
For instance, I slack over junk food and exercise and am the worst swim parent ever because I don’t have
a single competitive bone in my body.”

Drawing the line

While these parents understand the importance of taking it easy when bringing up their kids, it seems they are clear about where to draw the line, too. “I take into account the age of my child. He will be a teen next year,” Kiran says. “So he is naturally defiant, surly and aggressive sometimes, with all those hormones rushing around in his bloodstream. So, now I pick and choose my battles. For example,
I allow him to do his homework later in the night, if he wants that, but I make sure he does it before he goes off to sleep. Also,
I understand that times have changed and today, it is more competitive for kids than it was when we were growing up. And I can relate to the need for children to do well—both academically and in their extra-curricular activities. The levels of pressure are intense. However, the opportunities they have are much more than what we had during our growing-up days.”

The paradigm shift

So which one’s more preferable as far as kids’ mental health and happiness is concerned—laidback or traditional parenting? “There is no one rulebook for children,” points out Kala. “Children are all unique and have their own personality, character and nature. I do what my instincts feel comfortable with at any time.
I may possibly fall short of my child’s expectations at times, but
I try to equip my son with the tools to the best of my knowledge and ability and pray for the best. I hope that as he grows, he develops the maturity to differentiate between the right and wrong and make his own decisions.”
Kiran agrees. “Every parent ensures that they do the best for their child in their own special way,” she says. “And just as every child is different, so is every parent. We bring to our parenting the experiences we’ve had as children, based on the lessons we’ve learnt from our own parents. Then we fall and hit the ground and learn as we rise, understanding what works and what doesn’t.
We are all trying hard to do the same in our own unique way, to ensure our children are happy.”
So where did Kiran get her sense of laidback parenting? “My mum,” she tells us. “Then again, I believe, most people from my generation have been brought up in a laidback manner too.” Just as we take in what she said, Kiran adds, “I think we’ve all turned out pretty well, haven’t we?”

An expert comment
According to Seema Hingorrany, a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist, laidback parenting is a positive step towards bringing up well-developed children, optimising their intelligence as well as emotional strength.
She believes it’s a progressive approach and a paradigm shift, where parents have finally realised that being hyper or overbearing destroys the emotional bandwidth of the children in the longer run. Nevertheless, she recommends a balanced parenting style that is a blend of both.
She says, “I believe that parents should cultivate an environment at home which helps kids be open and transparent. They should be allowed to express what they feel, which essentially helps bolster their self-confidence for the future. At the same time, parents should also be firm when required, so that children know their boundaries from an early age. Being over-protective or giving all the freedom at the start results in children not realising the consequences of their actions and taking their parents for granted. Hence, setting time limits, drawing a budget for spending money, etc. need to be specified as early as possible.
“If a parent is relaxed while bringing up their children, they turn out to be happier, calmer and confident. One’s parental approach reflects a lot in one’s child’s behaviour. A positive parenting style completely nurtures the child’s self-esteem.”
The expert is also the author of Beating The Blues.