When it comes to expressing harsh truths bluntly, especially to our loved ones, most of us end up becoming tongue-tied. Meri Saheli devises ways to convey the message in a gentle but effective manner.
Ihave heard from some people that there’s only one way to tell your loved ones the truth about themselves—tell it like it is, babes!
They suggest to favour the no-frills frankspeak: “You stink.” Or walk the spoonful-of-sugar talk and trill fondly, “Sweetie, you must do something about your body odour.” Or grease out some diplomatese: “I respect you which is why I’m being open with you—you are depressed and in need of professional help.” Or use the put-the-fear-of-God approach: “If you don’t lose weight, you’ll die young.” Quite a variety, huh? Except there’s one flaw in this straight-from-the-shoulder shot—it creates separation, it creates suffering, it creates resentment, and it creates negativity. Whether you admit it or not, you impose your idea of perfection over another’s sense of peace. You trespass over private territory yelling, “I’m concerned! I’m concerned!”
Don’t be patronising
Before you put forth your sharp-edged ‘concern’ out there, you must think if it is even valid. Are you bothered about your partner’s weight when they are happy in their own skin? Do you want to fix them out of the need to boost your own ego or is it genuinely out of selfless care? The egoistic self enjoys feeling superior to all, being patronisingly helpful while acting out the what-a-good-person-I-am drama. The concerned self enjoys the simple yet profound joy of being connected to another.
While it is rather easy to pick flaws, it takes self-discipline to develop a considerate attitude, allowing your loved one to be themselves. Shun all criticism that easily spills out from your mouth. Practise silence and step back. It will help you figure out your own thoughts before you present them on a platter to your partner.
Build a safe zone
This means, you don’t have to make her wrong to feel you are right. You create a beautiful haven of comfort and security where your partner can feel less vulnerable. Let her know that you accept her as she is, in her isness. Allow her to take a call on whether or not she wants to change. It is this kind of acceptance that will reap many answers, many solutions. She can be herself with you without fear of being stabbed in her vulnerability.
Change cannot be imposed. If you feel she is sabotaging her life with pessimism, unless she decides to evolve, no amount of pressure from you will help. You may rather have to be patient and peaceful, which is how you gradually establish in her mind that you are with her, not against her, that you aren’t judging her, aren’t condemning her. Suddenly you’ll find her wistfully confessing that she has a problem and also accepting your help.
Commend not condemn
Be connective, not corrective; be peaceful, not punitive. To keep your perspective and balance, listen to her feelings more than her words. Words often belie feelings. Brave words often mask fear. The secret of dealing with such a situation is not to react to her words or tone but to simply allow yourself to know. The moment you react, you separate into ‘I’ and ‘you’. But when you hold on to your silent knowing, you keep the connection going.
One more secret in keeping your perspective balanced is to silently commend her for attempting to improve herself rather than condemn her for the ‘flaw’ in her that she is trying to correct. Remember: it takes courage to face one’s weaknesses and overcome them.
Encourage to heal
On the other hand, what if she doesn’t ask for help? What if she appears smug and complacent about herself? That’s okay too. Judge not. Disrupt not the peaceful field you have created between you and her. Sometimes that is enough. It may take longer. It may never take off. The point is not whether you have helped her or not helped her; it is the process of peaceful lovingness that you have initiated. When you are in a state of non-resistance, a deep healing takes place in you and her.
Believe me; your loved one doesn’t want to hear any home truths. She knows. What she really wants is a simple, “You can do it.” Encouragement raises the energy-level in your interaction with her. You will witness the positive change coming over her. She’ll straighten her spine, her eyes will flash, and her jaw will set with a new firm resolve. As she departs, she’ll say, “Thank you.”
“Learn to give to your own people, those who are closest to you,” says Swami Rama. “Learn to give spontaneously in your mind, action and speech. Love means non-harming. So you should resolve that you will not harm, hurt or injure your spouse, children, siblings or friends—that means that you love them.”
Cultivate these sterling qualities
Through the power of being your higher concerned self, empty the mind of all superficial ‘home truths’. And allow these five qualities to ascend into your interactions with your loved ones:
• Serene acceptance
• Unflagging support
• Warm understanding
• Enthusiastic encouragement when they decide to take positive steps.
• More supportive reinforcement when they flag.
Which do you think will be easier? To accept, support, understand, encourage, reinforce constantly? Or punch the home truth right out? Careful! What approach you choose will ultimately tell you the truth about yourself!
