The transitional phase between childhood and adolescence is replete with challenges. Pre-puberty changes coupled with the pressure of forging new relationships and tackling academic stress prompts pre-teens to act like rebellious teenagers. Empathy, support and responsible parenting can help you deal with the angst of tweens, suggests Aruna Rathod
Meena Shah caught her 11-year-old son, Yash, smoking in the bathroom one day. Shocked, she reprimanded him and complained to her husband, Jitesh, who gave the child a dressing down. Did the Shahs do the right thing? On the face of it, yes. “I have dealt with cases of children smoking at the age of 10 as an imitative behaviour to teach the father a lesson,” says Dr Shefali Batra (MD), a psychiatrist and author of the book Teenage Matters. Tweens–children aged between nine and 12–have their own set of issues. They are prone to mood swings. “This is a period wherein they are building their identity but are in a transition phase so it causes them frustration and hence leads them to act out,” explains Dr Batra who runs Mindframes, a behavioural clinic based in Mumbai. She cites some examples where tweens have walked out of their homes and gone to their friends’ homes and not returned all night saying that they are fed up of their parents! “A nine-year-old writing a suicide note has been probably the severest form of emotional turmoil I’ve seen in my practice,” she shudders.
The tweens issue
From childhood, tweens enter a phase where the whirlwind of childhood development is over and the storm of adolescence awaits them. “This period is full of contradictions for a tween,” informs clinical child psychologist, Sangita D’Silva. “Even as their bodies mature, they have temper tantrums full of rage similar to two-year-olds. They still need silly reminders from their parents for their daily chores/routine and some even sleep with their stuffed toys,” she elaborates. Their volatility cannot be written off as simply hormonal although intense mood swings and emotional vulnerability can be attributed to pre-adolescence hormones. For girl tweens, concerns with clothes, make-up, looking good, making and keeping friends are at an all-time high along with trying to imitate ‘teen idols’. Boy tweens tend to become hyperactive, less attentive, fidgety, restless and sometimes violent. They tend to seek adults as role models. “Boys also find it harder to identify their own emotions and feelings and are unable to express themselves verbally,” mentions D’Silva.
Deal with it sensibly
In nuclear families, with the father being away at work and the mother being a homemaker or where both the parents are working professionals, handling tweens can be a tough task. “If the tween is difficult to manage, you need to seek support from other family members. Parents with children of the same age or older can also provide assistance and guidance. Try to take sound advice from them to manage your tween–even if it is not to your liking,” advises D’Silva adding that tweens need to be dealt with cautiously. “It is also important that the parent is courteous to the tween,” she adds. Kids have their own mood swings. They are unable to use mature methods to express their emotions. It would be ideal to be assertive but owing to this deficit, they end up being aggressive. “When a child is being stubborn, you have to find a way to reach common ground. You can’t simply say NO to him/her. You can substitute it with something else or delay their demand or negotiate with them to make it acceptable,” says Dr Batra.
Spare the rod
Discipline and punishment are traits often used by parents interchangeably. You need to be a disciplinarian to be a good teacher to your tween. “The best way to deal with ‘bad’ behaviour is demonstrating, explaining, supervising and monitoring. As far as your tween is concerned, giving feedback is necessary–whether you use permissive, strict or flexible style of parenting. Each style has its plus and minus points–so adopt the one that suits your child’s needs. Over and above, set clear expectations!” asserts D’Silva. The consequences for breaking rules should be to reach out, help, teach and solve problems–rather than to punish. Punishment may cause the tweens to realise that they’ve done something wrong but will not help them understand the right way to do things.
According to Dr Batra, punishment never works. Typical punishment involves discomfort and is frightening and threatening for the child. This can never give effective results. It makes the child withdrawn, stubborn and isolated. “In order to inculcate discipline, you need to adopt behaviour reinforcement methods that show guaranteed effective results. Set a good example for your children. Even if they don’t listen to you, they will watch and imitate you without you even knowing it,” she warns.
Help them settle down
As a parent, you need to be aware of the pressure faced by tweens and understand their personal struggles. D’Silva believes that parents have to work towards ensuring their tweens have a solid set of values, good social skills, a love of learning, healthy self-esteem and warm family relationships. This will ensure they enter their difficult teenage years well prepared to deal with the ups and downs of those years.
Tweens is also the stage where children are building their identity. They are in a transitional phase, which causes frustration and leads them to act out. The reason for this is their biological make-up. Pre-pubertal changes start a few years before and after the actual pubertal spurt. So volatility is part of the process. From a social standpoint, they are undergoing several changes as far as new relationships, friendships and peer groups are concerned. Besides, they are stressed about studies, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. so from the psychological view, they’re still developing their identity–who they are and what they want versus what they need. And to top it all, they need to understand what is possible and what’s not. This is enough to drive any one beyond the line. “However, as they grow up and get comfortable with themselves, they build their confidence and self-awareness and be a lot less volatile. They also develop their own individuality,” informs Batra.
Communicate openly
Talk to your tween and keep the communication channels open even if s/he is silent or distracted or preoccupied. Ask questions that are close-ended and not general in nature. For example, “Did you have your science test today?”, as opposed to “What happened in school today?” Doing things with your tween, even if it is just sitting down with them while they are watching a game or favourite programme on TV is necessary. Try to set aside some time as family time whether over a simple card game or a favourite meal eaten together. Keep in touch with his/her teachers to know what is happening in school. Encourage your tween to indulge in any hobby which can include learning an instrument, sports, science-related projects, etc.
Girl tweens usually look up to their mothers as role models. This means that the mothers need to demonstrate, explain, supervise, monitor and give feedback–as expected by your tween. Use words like ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘I’ll be happy if you can…’, or ‘Would you please…?’
Ease the tension
As a parent, the most important thing for you to remember is that your child will not appreciate anything that you do for him/her. “Children are dependent on their parents. They need their support and guidance in these crucial years of development. In order to ensure that it’s a smooth journey for both the parent and child, the parent must learn to empathise with their child and try to befriend them,” advises Batra. So understand why your child does what s/he does before taking action. If a child wins the support and trust of his/her parents, they are guaranteed to share a positive and amicable relationship. Remember, if you’re a constant anchor for your child, it will have a positive effect on his life. Be empathetic and understand your child’s needs. However, see to it that you’re not too lenient either by taking up all responsibility
and thereby deriving your child of essential learning.
Be a smart and responsible parent and make the crucial journey easy for your tween.
