Separation by Night

A large number of modern day couples now prefer to sleep in separate beds, while living under the same roof. But due to the stigma attached to sleeping separately, this remains a less broached topic. Aruna Rathod explores this trend and what it might mean for your marriage.

You love your partner, you live together but you prefer to sleep in your own bed. In case, you think this means the death of a relationship, read this. According to a 2015 survey by the National Sleep Foundation, USA, nearly one in four couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds. Closer how34me, more and more couples are choosing to have individual beds for a variety of reasons. So, is it a crime to ask for your separate bed when you are married? Going by psychologists, it is no longer wrong to ask for your own bed despite being in a relationship.
“As such, a marriage is not dependent on sharing the same space. I believe that separate beds are actually becoming quite common these days. The reasons could be that each partner has a different work routine and thus bedtime is not fixed, more so with international coordination and various time zones. The other reasons couples could be sleeping in separate beds could be because either of them cannot handle either the snoring, or kicking, or tossing and turning in bed of the partner,” explains H’vovi Bhagwagar, a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. In case of couples with children, if a child is afraid of sleeping alone, it leads to separate beds due to a valid reason.
Other issues could simply be that each one has a preference or a different room temperature.
Dr Shefali Batra, psychiatrist and relationship wellness consultant observes, “Sometimes one partner is a night owl and likes to read or watch a documentary or work through the night and this may disturb the other. So, this decision is really beneficial in such cases. Getting adequate sleep and keeping a positive mood is more important to sustain a positive relationship than actually sleeping next to each other if it is going to make one unhappy.”
In case of couples who travel extensively, there is no choice but to sleep in separate beds. “Committed couples work through these differences,” adds H’vovi. With growing stressors and inability to cope with stress, sleep is very precious to us all. Hvovi believes that in today’s world, separate beds make a lot of sense if it means waking up fresher and energetic.

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR
What does the couple lose out on in the process of gaining separate space and beds? “Sex, for one. With separate beds this is the area of the couple’s marriage that really takes a hit,” points out H’vovi.
This apart, it is extremely important for the couple to discuss the arrangement before taking this step forward. “This decision should be a planned and perpetrated one. If the couple discusses it with each other and are clear about their commitment towards each other then this should not pose a big problem.”
Batra adds that there could be a problem if one of the partners begins to get plagued by unpleasant thoughts. “A woman could feel and think that her partner is doing so because he does not love her or is disinterested in her. This could turn out to be a serious problem. So open communication and clarity is what one needs when one makes such decisions,” cautions Batra.
This step could also lead to a kind of disconnect. It is in the bedroom that most issues are solved and resolved. But if each one retires into a separate bed, even if in the same room, there is a kind of disengagement. “There are increased chances of
a cold war after a fight when a couple prefers separate beds. Sleeping in the same bed promotes make up sex and encourages couples to talk,” adds Hvovi. Beds, queensize or kingsize are great for bonding—cuddling, foreplay and sharing gossip without kids or family around.

WHEN TO WORRY
“If the arrangement is a mutual one, because of maybe snoring, temperature issues or something that cannot be resolved, then neither needs to worry. Sleeping in separate beds isn’t really a sign of marital trouble. But yes, if one of the partners opts to sleep separately all of a sudden and without tangible reason then it could signal
a marital issue,” warns Hvovi.
But can sleeping separately gradually kill your marriage? Hvovi answers,“In my opinion, no. A marriage dies due to multiple reasons. Separate beds could be a trigger, symptom or the last straw but I don’t believe it could be the single causative factor for a split.”
In India, it is a culturally novel concept to sleep separately for convenience. Batra states, “Sometimes, the rest of the family especially the in-laws might have a host of questions when this happens. They may take it as a sign of a failing relationship. However, this is really not true for couples today.”
While it is true that sleeping or even sitting within one’s proximity releases oxytocin the attachment chemical and brings couples together, if couples are mature enough to understand and respect their partner’s choice, they can rather strengthen their marriage or relationship because it exhibits extreme respect for each others’ preferences and makes them realise how they can actually be their true selves with their partner.

Why sleep in the same bed
Intimacy: Just touching each other’s faces, arms or even rubbing your partner’s back to comfort him/her evokes a sense of closeness after a hard day’s work.
Relaxation: Most couples spent the entire day away from each other and the privacy of a bed can actually foster a sense of relaxation after exchanging the day’s notes.
Making up: Even if there has been a quarrel, reaching out to each other in the middle of the night brings with it a sense of comfort and it could also be an attempt at making up, without using words.