What does she want in bed?

Move away, men! The new age Indian woman is taking giant strides in every field, including her sex life. Looking at the current scenario, Sruthi Rajan probes a cross section of women and asks them the million-dollar question, ‘What do they really want in bed?”

When British author EL James’ novel Fifty Shades of Grey hit the stands in 2011, it created a furore and soon became a bestseller. Readers across the globe were intrigued and enthralled by the story of a timid and naive college student, Anastasia Steele, who meets young business magnate Christian Grey and learns the intricacies of bondage, dominance, submission and masochism (BDSM), the erotic yet painful form of lovemaking, from him. After the trailer of the movie, which was an adaptation of the novel, was out earlier this year, a popular British business news channel reported the rise in the sales of sex toys in the United Kingdom. Following the film’s release, some adult store owners in UK reported a whopping 80 per cent rise in the sale of horse-riding whips and floggers.

Not only that, stores in the United States stated that there was a 92 per cent increase in sadomasochism toys. This proves that women in western countries are all for experimentation when it comes to sex. Now, the question arises whether the Indian woman is following suit–or is she still the coy lady who prefers to be enticed into intimacy by her man? Psychiatrist and sexologist Dr Pavan Sonar says that times have drastically changed. “There are a lot of women in India who prefer the ‘red’ form of lovemaking, the painful kind of sex, especially the ones in the metros,” he asserts. New Woman decided to investigate what the Indian woman really looks for in bed. And here’s what we found.

She needs foreplay

Evergreen romance, passion or the BDSM style of making love – what does the modern Indian woman prefer? Vini Nair (name changed), 32, a software developer in Pune, recently married an engineer from Kerala. She says that foreplay is very important for her and is the basis of a happy sex life. “I prefer kissing and caressing.
A lot of Indian men always focus a lot on their own satisfaction but what about the woman’s needs? They need to understand that only when the woman is turned on, will both of them be equally satisfied and enjoy the act,” she adds. Dr Sonar couldn’t agree more. He explains, “Every woman wants to indulge in foreplay. It marks the beginning of orgasm. A woman can even be satisfied only through foreplay, something which a lot of men fail to understand.”

Nair believes the arranged marriage culture is to be blamed for this selfish mindset of men. She cites her own example. “I have a modern outlook as I have travelled the world for professional commitments and have read a multitude of books. On the other hand, my husband comes from a conservative family. Since ours is an arranged marriage, I’ve to play the ‘decent’ girl and cannot discuss with him much about my needs and the art of love making. I fear that the moment I do, he will think I’m not a virgin and am way too experienced for him. As a result, it will hurt his ego and this will act as a deterrent in our sex life. Rather than just jumping into bed and finishing the act, women like to take things slowly. They need to be loved inch by inch,” she elaborates. Nair’s statement throws light on the fact that women have different pleasure points in their body, which need to be understood by the man.

She wants to be satisfied

What really satisfies a woman? Sadaf Shaikh (name changed), 24, informs, “Satisfaction is a very broad term.
I can be satisfied with masturbation, too.” She clearly states that she prefers lust over love any day and likes to try something new every time she is with her man. Is she shy to ask what she wants? “Never,” she retorts. Bhavna Patel (name changed), an engineer currently studying in Australia, seconds her. “I would like my man to be wild in bed; one who wouldn’t mind experimenting newer things in sex. But there should be some respect and mutual understanding about what to do and what not to. For instance, I’m very clear that I don’t want to indulge in anal sex as I find it gross,” she states. Bhavna adds that she will never shy away when it comes to asking her man for foreplay or oral sex.
Dr Sonar opines, “These days, women are more confident. They know what they want, probably because they have had other relationships and sexual intercourse prior to marriage with other men. Experience tells them what they deserve. A lot of married women come along with their husbands for sex consultation. It shows that they are no longer shy. They don’t want to take the easy route or resort to other means. Instead, they want to work on their sexual chemistry and marriage.”

She wants to talk dirty

Indian women also have a fetish for ‘dirty talking’. The growing number of communication mediums has enabled women to resort to sexting and other ways to seduce men. “I like to talk dirty during oral sex. I even make it a point to seduce my man with dirty talk when he is at work or with his friends,” admits Patel. She believes that when a man lusts for a woman, it makes the latter feel wanted and serves as a great ego booster. She narrates an incident with her ex boyfriend. “Once he was in office, I skyped him and turned him on through dirty talk,” she elaborates. Shaikh, meanwhile, reveals that she is vocal about her needs with her man. “I’m not shy in bed. I stay away from romance as I feel it’s too mushy. I prefer bolder forms of love making such as BDSM and dirty talk so that I can enjoy the act and don’t end up thinking about anything else,” she smiles.

She needs both love and lust

A lot of women seek consultation from sexologists with the common complaint that their men suffer from premature ejaculation. The fact that they are consulting a sexologist and seeking help shows that they know what they want. Of course, there’s still a big percentage of women who are not open to sex and wary of an expert’s assistance. Clinical psychologist Hiral Shah explains, “It has a lot to do with the upbringing of a girl. Whether she’s from a patriarchal family or is in charge of her own life, every woman wants love and attention from her man. Women love the feeling of being ‘emotionally wanted’ by their men. Give a woman all the attention she deserves and she would be happier than she ever has been.” Newly married Deepa Sanjay from Bangalore sums it up with, “While lust plays a big role in sex, love is more important for me. If a man truly loves you, he would go to any extent to prove it to you. A woman’s needs will always come before his; and he will make sure she is happy and satisfied always.” Touché!