To forgive or not to forgive is a tough choice. Make sure you examine the reasons for your partner’s cheating, weigh the pros and cons and take a stand before you take a step, says Aruna Rathod
Alpana Seth, 39, found out that her husband was having an affair. She chanced upon his credit card bills and found mysterious expenses that were unrelated to the family. She put two and two together and questioned him, which led to her partner confessing about the affair. It shattered her; she didn’t know what to do. Should Alpana forgive her husband and pretend nothing had happened?
In Alpana’s case, a counsellor at Askmile.com, an online counselling platform—Jean George advises, ‘It is definitely upsetting to find out about a partner’s affair. Take time to vent, mourn, grieve and shed tears. At the same time, be careful not to get into a mode of self-pity because that takes away the courage and the zeal to face the stress head on.”
Choose your words carefully
When a situation like this arises, it is but natural that you would want to talk to your partner and discuss this ‘issue’. Jean suggests, “You can address the hurt but use ‘I’ statements. Don’t accuse your partner. Verbally expressing the emotions of anger, betrayal and mistrust using ‘you’ statements incites negative emotions, but ‘I’ statements reveal honesty and the depth of the hurt without sounding accusatory.”
Be calm
It’s best not to react immediately once you stumble upon this revelation. The situation may throw you off balance, upset you or make you react, but stay calm and talk it out. Share the pain with a close friend or a relative; get it off your chest first. Remember, it is not the end of the world. Once you are confident that you can have a mature, reasonable conversation and can handle yourself, talk to your partner.
Jean says, “Avoid negative responses such as throwing guilt, shouting, abusing or being revengeful as this can complicate the problem further.” If your partner is truly remorseful and explains the situation, gauge his response. He might be genuinely sorry for what happened.
Should you forgive?
If you think you should forgive, make sure you consider the following:
- Is your partner’s comeback sincere? Is he defensive or regretful?
- Is he willing to change or rectify the mistake? Do his words match with his actions? Does his behaviour suggest a desire to earn back the trust you once shared?
- Lastly, ask yourself if your partner is a good person who has genuinely made a mistake and deserves a second chance.
Addressing these questions will help you to decide if you should forgive and put the incident behind you. “If you decide to forgive, you have to understand what forgiveness means. It means, letting go of the past, letting go of the anger, and being careful not to hurt with words,” says Jean. “You have to be ready to experience the pain and not take revenge to hurt the cheating partner.”
A normal response in many cases would be to retaliate by having an affair yourself. “Retaliation can be tempting but it is sure to cause more damage. Vengeful strategies can make the guilty partner feel less guilty and can stimulate a greater tit-for-tat,” observes Jean.
Who deserves a second chance?
Research indicates that a person previously engaged in infidelity can do it again in a subsequent relationship. A study found that up to 50 per cent of married men and 26 per cent of married women are likely to commit adultery at least once during their marriage. Among unmarried couples, these figures are higher.
The betrayal of trust is the most important issue. If both partners work together to deal with this trauma, they can salvage the marriage, but it requires the help of a psychotherapist or a marriage counsellor. Expert guidance can allow one to heal the wounds, diffuse the anger and repair the breach of trust. Conversely, restoration of faith and love also depends on the commitment each partner has towards the relationship and towards salvaging it. They also need to consider their children, if any, and their financial commitments.
Beware: Cheating can be a habit
But what if cheating is a habit? Once can be considered a slip-up, but twice or more is a pattern. This is for the betrayed person to decide. Some people overlook bad behaviour, believing ‘love’ and ‘commitment’ are eternal promises to be upheld in all situations. On the other hand, self-blame is another prime reason why betrayed partners remain in such relationships. Are you willing to turn a blind eye to your partner’s shady past and tolerate inappropriate behaviour? Are you willing to put up with anything, just so you can avoid being alone or feeling abandoned? Are you just keeping the family together for the sake of finance or your children?
These are the tough questions that one must answer honestly when faced with a cheating partner.
But, if you have decided to forgive your partner for whatever reason you deem fit and are ready to take the relationship forward, it’s completely your decision. “Forgiveness when given and received leads to greater intimacy levels and growth in relationships. It opens a slate to new beginnings and greater levels of love and trust. It deepens respect and commitment,” explains Jean.
However, bear in mind that forgiveness is not always the right answer and reconciliation is not always the right solution.
Remember, whether you choose to forgive or move on altogether, it is key to be honest with yourself at all times.
